thoughts

Sometimes the brain is a funny thing.  It's interesting to realize what it allows itself to think.  Especially when you know what it's thinking or trying to tell you isn't the truth.

Somehow I always try to convince myself that I'm to blame when bad things happen.  But the thing is, I know I'm really not the cause and really I had no control over it.  Yet for some reason my brain tries to tell me: "if you would have done *this* better" or "you could have been a better example" or "because you said/did *this* it led them to do *this*".  Or any other variation.

It's awful.

Last night I decided I just needed to get out of my house and take a drive.  Except gas is super expensive so I decided to find a place to park.  

I went and parked on the hill next to the Logan Temple

And while there, I just let myself sob.  And swear.  They weren't innocent little hells and damns either.  Honestly, such words have no business even coming out of my mouth, especially parked where I was.  Sometimes life just fails at being awesome.  But what gave me the most comfort was remembering what was said in sacrament meeting on Sunday.  It was the only meeting I went to because face it...every once in a while I just can't handle three hour church.  It was fast and testimony meeting and many people bore their testimony about the atonement and the Savior.  It was comforting to know that Christ knows how I felt and that I wasn't completely alone.

This morning I had a lovely chat with Kylee.  She's pretty dang great.  I probably say that a lot about her...but it's true.  She forces me to talk and spill whatever I'm thinking, even when I don't want to share, and overall, it's beneficial in the long run.  Somehow I always manage to let my guard down when I'm around her and just cry and talk.  I always feel so stupid...but somehow around her it's okay.  I guess even around a bunch of strangers in the Hub too.  They probably wonder why the crazy girl in the booth is shedding tears haha.  Oh well.  It makes life somewhat better.

Life has just been a crazy whirlwind lately.  I'm not really sure what to think of it at the moment.  It's hard when you just stop caring and don't know what to do anymore.  But somehow you just get through it.

What If

Sorry I've been MIA lately.  I've had 4 tests and a paper due...but anywho...

I found this beauty on Pinterest the other day.

Source: Uploaded by user via Kelly on Pinterest

1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18 reads: "Rejoice evermore.  Pray without ceasing.  In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."

I believe that we are continually growing and progressing throughout life, but I feel like that growth shoots up like sunflowers during the hard times. However, you don't notice it until you're reflecting on the past.

On Monday Kylee {my old roommate} and I were talking about last year.  I gave her a little more insight as to what was going on in my life at that point {she's pretty much my free therapist.  she's wonderful.} I don't even know how the topic came up, but it did.  She told me how she's noticed how much happier I am this year.  I can see and feel it too.  It's a great thing.  But, I know I wouldn't appreciate my happiness now if I didn't have the bad times to compare it to.

I know that I need to work on living that scripture more.  When things are easy it's easy to ignore it.  I rely on God and prayer much more when things are rough.  I'm trying to remember to pray prayers of gratitude more often.  I pray for those I know who are struggling.  I pray for help to improve myself.

I feel like this should be an English essay.  I feel like I need to use smoother transitions and somehow appropriately sum up my feelings instead of end abruptly.  But, I'm not submitting this for a grade, so really I can do things how I want :)

Just remember happiness is all good and dandy.  It really is.  Remember to rejoice, pray, and be grateful.  But also remember that sadness, trials, and tears are wonderful things too.

scientific fact

A few days ago....

boy:  "There is nothing in this world more beautiful than a Mormon girl who carries herself well.  That's a scientific fact."
me:  "Really? Well...I guess I better work on that."
boy:  "You do well don't worth about it :)"

I guess I'm doing better than I thought?  Either way it renewed my will to do good and be good and to "carry myself well."  By no means am I anywhere near perfect.  Nowhere close.  But I don't have to be.  I just have to be my best.

And I'm pretty sure it's not too scientific...but I'm willing to go with it :)

cold fall days / bliss

Today is one of those cold fall days that takes me back to my childhood.

Coming home from school today I wanted nothing more than to go home,

Turn the heat up high, grab my favorite blanket, put on some comfy pjs, 

And lay down in the living room right over the heat vent 

Using the blanket to create a warm little cocoon.

The best was when Oscar would climb in too.

He was my favorite.  Today I kind of miss him.

Sometimes he would get too hot and leave.

Sometimes I would too.  But I learned how to fight that.

You learn to wear socks to cover up your feet {I hate socks...this was the exception}

And make sure your pjs came all the way down to save your legs from extreme heat.

It's amazing what a thin piece of fabric can do.

Those were the days when you'd watch TV super close.  Or take a nap.

Those days were bliss.

It's days like today that I want to go back in time.

To be at home with my lovely little heat vent

Instead of ~40 degree Logan with snow on the mountains

And promise of a cold winter.

I knew what I was signing up for coming to school here.

I've experienced it.  And I love it.

However much I'd like to go back in time I know I can't.

It's not physically possible.

Even if I drove home now it still wouldn't be quite the same.

The blanket is beginning to look worn with age.

Time has gotten the best of Oscar.

The siblings aren't there.  And the parents aren't half the time either.

You never seem to realize it in the moment

How truly wonderful the simple things in life are.

Heat vent blanket bliss.

Family all being together.

Bliss.

Lately I've been super happy.

I finally got a calling.  It's not anything big, but it shows that I'm needed.

I've made a few new friends.  I think they're pretty great.  And they make me smile.

And I have super roommates.  Sometimes we're loud.  Sometimes we're crazy.

We like to poke fun at one another.  And have really long talks.  And watch movies.

And be best friends.  And watch out for one another.

And my bff Angie was able to visit Logan last weekend.

And I was able to watch all of General Conference for like the first time in years.

And things are falling together quite perfectly.

Bliss.

advice to a friend...

Try not to let yourself be Satan's project.  ...He knows our insecurities and weaknesses.  He also knows our strengths and wants us to forget about them or at least downplay them into something insignificant.  ...Don't let him use those against yourself.

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"Please, never forget that you must be patient and compassionate with yourselves, that some sacrifices are better than others, that you need not wait for a golden ticket to be happy."
~Dieter F. Uchtdorf

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and some Pinterest love...

Source: iheartgifs.blogspot.com via Kelly on Pinterest

Source: hautelook.com via Kelly on Pinterest

Source: myblessedlife.net via Kelly on Pinterest

My Lovely Logan Home

Here's my lovely messy bed.  And my pillow pet Augustus that Sarah and Kylee bought for my birthday.  Kylee named him since she is pro at naming things like PillowPets and cars.  But notice...my bed is made...so does that count for something?  And see my Diet Coke addiction? 

My closet.  Guess which half is mine?  Yeah...I'm messy, I know.  I want to get crates like my roommate's...but Walmart only has ugly red ones left.  Red doesn't match my stuff.  Therefore...I stay messy.  I need to do something about it sometime though....

Our lovely vanity where we vainly look at ourselves in the mirror.  Okay.  Probably not vainly...but it is where we get ready for the day.

 Yep.  I made this beaut.  I love it.  I love when mistakes turn out better than the original plan.  It was supposed to be four squares...I like lots better though.

And the polka dot bow pillow.  Yep.  Adorable.

 And the button pillow.

 The arm chair...that the door runs into.

And our couch and recliner.  And my ottomans that are oh so great to have.  Perfect for putting your feet up.

 And my entertainment hookup.  Hello electronics.  Also, don't forget to say 'ello to Harry Potter.  He lives in the "cupboard under the stairs."

Somebody got angry and punched a hole in the bathroom door.  At least it wasn't my face this time ;)

 Monogram letters.  I think they're pretty fun.  They're above our HP closet.  If you're confused it's the first letter of the first name of the six of us.

 Our tiny kitchen.  If you look closely, you can see part of the blender in the sink.  I made a delicious strawberry banana smoothie this morning after Zumba.  Mmmm.

 When storage is minimal you learn to improvise.

 I love the stair rail.  I don't know why.  But it just matches our cute little place so perfectly.  Oh.  And I still leave my shoes in the living room like I did at home.

And this little gem.  Deliciousness in the palm of your hand.  Baby Ben and Jerrys.

*School Update*

• I <3 my computer science class.  We really haven't done too much yet...but considering the majority of the classes I haven't looked at the clock I take that as a good sign.  And I find it interesting.  The only thing I don't like is that my computer is being ridiculous and won't download a program I need...and I don't really want to live in the campus computer labs.  I guess I should find someone to help me out.
• Computer science lab - I decided I think the lab instructor is pretty fun.  I think that what makes him so great is his accent.  Everything is more entertaining in an Indian accent.  Is Outsourced the show with all the Indian people?  I should watch that and I'd probably be entertained.
• I dropped Intro to Elementary Education.  The more I looked at what it entailed and I imagined being an elementary teacher, the more I didn't like it.  It's just not me.  And the class seemed like too much effort for having a lack of interest.
• Career and Life Planning.  Yeah.  I thought that class would be a joke.  But it turns out I'm learning a lot about myself.  Some related to careers and majors...and some things of just what makes me who I am.
• MIS - This class is okay.  I like the website stuff.  Except he's going really slow.  I thought Boog taught me nothing.  Okay he did teach me nothing.  But I understand these basics from my high school class.  But I think we might eventually dig a little deeper.  I don't really like the business aspects of it as much.  But you do what you gotta do.
• I like that "gotta" doesn't come up as a misspelled word :)
• Lifespan Development - I still think this class is a joke.  I still think my teacher doesn't know what she's talking about.  BUT I did realize it is going to be a really easy class which is pretty awesome.  Hardly any assignments.  Everything (tests and such) is open book, open note, and online.  I don't even have to go to class on test days :)
• Zumba.  Can you say LOVE?  Yup.  It's pretty fabulous.  I think I may get a Fun Fit Forever pass just so I can take extra classes.  That'd make for two Zumba classes in a day...but hey.  It's great.  I kinda miss Aqua Zumba because I thought that was fun too.  But this works.  Except I'm not too coordinated.  But it's coming along.  There's this foot thing I can do if we just do the feet...but when we add the arms...well let's just say all hope is lost.  Maybe one day I'll get the hang of it.

*church*

So I went to my ward up here in Logan.  I like it here.  I feel like it's really small though.  Oh.  I guess the downfall of sitting next to the Relief Society President in Sunday School is getting asked to say the prayer for RS.  I don't remember the last time I gave a prayer at church.  But hey.  It wasn't the end of the world haha.  I don't necessarily mind...I just choose not to volunteer haha.

Then we went home and ate dinner.  Shayna and Heather cooked us a fabulous meal.  We made roast in the crockpot.  Shayna made us "smashed potatoes."  I asked her the difference between "smashed" and "mashed."  I guess leaving skins on makes them "smashed."  Makes sense!  And we had corn on the cob. (Thanks Dan and Eryka for making me try it!)  Well it all was pretty much delicious.

This picture probably looks disgusting.  But I'm not a food photographer for Food Network or any food type magazines...so hey...it doesn't matter! :)

Then we went to the CES fireside at our stake center.  Can I tell you just how adorable Elder Oaks wife is? I think she's a bundle of fun.  I totally wasn't expecting her to be that funny.  AND I can't believe she was never married until she was 53.  Seriously?  All those boys were crazy.  Anyway.  I thought she gave a great talk.  It was just what I needed to hear.  After seeing all these people my age, older than me, and especially younger than me get engaged and married thoughts sure do run through your mind.  Anyway.  One of the points I took away from her is that the focus right now shouldn't be on getting married.  It should be on living a Christ-centered life.  And obtaining an education.  And just making yourself the best person you can possibly be.  Which is all stuff I need to work on.

So.  I should probably be a good student and do homework.  Especially since today is one of the days I actually feel somewhat productive.

Yokes

So today I went to my home ward for church since it's spring break. In Sunday school our teacher asked, "What is a yoke?" Funny Ray Lutz called out, "It's the inside of an egg!" It was pretty great. But we got into the lesson and explained it.

from here

So if you don't know, a yoke is a wooden beam that connects two oxen together. This allows them to work together and share the weight of the load they are pulling. The oxen don't have to be the biggest or strongest, what is important is that they work together when they pull. If one thinks he can do it on his own and gets out of sync with his partner, pulling the load becomes much more difficult and it takes longer to accomplish the task than if they cooperate and work together.

In Matthew 11: 28-30 it says:

28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

I have heard this scripture so many times and have thought about it a little, but maybe it just clicked a little more today. I think I've understood what it means, but it makes so much more sense when you hear it verbalized by people. It says take MY yoke upon you...for MY yoke is easy, and MY burden is light.

A yoke is made for two, not for one. We don't share it with just anyone. We share it with the Savior. He asks us to share it with him. We take His name upon us when we are baptized. Through the gospel we learn of him and through Him we find comfort and peace. Sometimes we become stubborn. We think we can do it on our own. We struggle and fight. We are falling out of step with the ox in the other side of the yoke. It may be through unconscious acts or it may be through deliberate actions. Either way life becomes more difficult.

Sometimes it becomes hard to get back in sync. We have developed our own pace. However, it is possible. You had to take a few awkward steps to get out of sync, so there may be some few awkward steps to get back in, but it's possible.

There's the part of Sunday school I remember in a nutshell...well a rather large nutshell. Plus a few embellishments of my own that hopefully add to and don't detract from what we learned.

California in 2.5 days! Less than a week for Dan and Eryka's wedding! Yay! :)