Sometimes the brain is a funny thing. It's interesting to realize what it allows itself to think. Especially when you know what it's thinking or trying to tell you isn't the truth.
Somehow I always try to convince myself that I'm to blame when bad things happen. But the thing is, I know I'm really not the cause and really I had no control over it. Yet for some reason my brain tries to tell me: "if you would have done *this* better" or "you could have been a better example" or "because you said/did *this* it led them to do *this*". Or any other variation.
It's awful.
Last night I decided I just needed to get out of my house and take a drive. Except gas is super expensive so I decided to find a place to park.
I went and parked on the hill next to the Logan Temple
And while there, I just let myself sob. And swear. They weren't innocent little hells and damns either. Honestly, such words have no business even coming out of my mouth, especially parked where I was. Sometimes life just fails at being awesome. But what gave me the most comfort was remembering what was said in sacrament meeting on Sunday. It was the only meeting I went to because face it...every once in a while I just can't handle three hour church. It was fast and testimony meeting and many people bore their testimony about the atonement and the Savior. It was comforting to know that Christ knows how I felt and that I wasn't completely alone.
This morning I had a lovely chat with Kylee. She's pretty dang great. I probably say that a lot about her...but it's true. She forces me to talk and spill whatever I'm thinking, even when I don't want to share, and overall, it's beneficial in the long run. Somehow I always manage to let my guard down when I'm around her and just cry and talk. I always feel so stupid...but somehow around her it's okay. I guess even around a bunch of strangers in the Hub too. They probably wonder why the crazy girl in the booth is shedding tears haha. Oh well. It makes life somewhat better.
Life has just been a crazy whirlwind lately. I'm not really sure what to think of it at the moment. It's hard when you just stop caring and don't know what to do anymore. But somehow you just get through it.
Lately I've been MIA. It feels weird not blogging and I feel like I need to record so much.
Spring break was last week...and hopefully I'll document it soon! I had a blast!
This week my school has been playing Humans vs. Zombies. I've always enjoyed watching people play...but never played myself. I always thought it was entertaining to watch people run around like idiots on campus. Well...this semester I decided to become one of the idiots.
This is what I took from the website to explain what it is:
"Humans vs. Zombies is a game of tag. All players begin as Humans, and one is randomly chosen to be the “Original Zombie.” The Original Zombie tags human players and turns them into Zombies. The Zombies must tag and “feed” on a human every 48 hours or they starve to death and are out of the game."
On Monday I gave my ID card to my friend and had him turn me into a zombie. Tuesday I decided to get more into it and went "hunting" on campus with the Horde for a few hours. We then had a night mission where we had to protect the Original Zombie (we did!). Then today I decided to go human hunting some more with the Horde. Honestly, you can just wander around campus and you're bound to find other zombies to join. After hunting, I went to the day mission and came home. It's just about time for the night mission (a giant game of fugitive from what I hear!)...
It's only halfway through the week...but I'm a tired, sunburned zombie. A zombie zombie. :)
granted...it's a crappy webcam picture...but I look like I'm in sad shape.
Either way....it's fun to run around like a dork...time to go eat some brains :)
So I've been on a bit of a spending spree lately. It may not be the best thing for the bank account...but it's becoming quite great for the closet. I'm waiting on a hoodie I bought off of Etsy that I decided I would be way too sad if someone else bought it. I also hit up Old Navy and bought two shirts and three pairs of skinny jeans in the past week. And I want to go buy one more pair. These are probably some of the most comfortable pants I've worn {that are socially appropriate :) } and I get compliments to boot. But seriously. I have to buy the pink ones. I neeeed them.
I have green pants! :)
And last night I went bowling with some work peeps. They're really such a fun group of people. I work twice again this week. Thankfully I'm already home for spring break so I don't have to drive back and forth to Logan. So glad I only have to deal with about a month of the driving shenanigans.
It's been a contemplative Sunday with much to think about. Thankfully I have friends who let me ramble all my random and not-so-random thoughts to them.
p.s. I'm super glad last week is finally over. It was crazy busy, which wouldn't be too bad if I enjoyed more of what it was filled with...but essays, homework, and stress just don't float my boat.
*this is what I started writing Friday...and never finished. Still getting published anyway*
This week has been crazy and hectic and I'm so ready for it to end.
It has been filled with just about everything. So maybe I'll just make a quick list...
School
I hate it.
Well. Not really. It's why I'm in Logan, right? So if I hated it, I wouldn't be here I guess.
English is a beast. I don't dislike writing....I just dislike writing when I have to follow rules and guidelines...which is English.
Spanish. I used to be a complainy pants. I even wrote an e-mail to the department head. Many of my other classmates did too. This teacher would be really great if he didn't have medical problems. But we're paying to learn. I received an e-mail and he announced in class today that we will be getting a new instructor after Spring Break. It's really too bad...but necessary.
Speaking of Spring Break....it starts this weekend! :)
My Marriage and Family, Family Finance, and Interior Design classes are great! I love them :)
Work
Work is starting again.
Work is an hour away from where I'm currently located. This makes for a bit of a drive when I have refresher trainings. I had one Tuesday (with a terrible snowstorm on the way back), one yesterday, and one this afternoon. Thankfully the weather is looking beautiful outside :)
I love these people. They are so much fun to work with!
I noticed a new slide in one of the presentations. It made me laugh because I'm positive it was added because of me. Needless to say, I know how to handle disorderly guests :)
I can't wait to start working with these kids every day!
Family
I got to see my parents last night! I love {and am grateful!} when they treat me to dinner and fill my car up with gas. It's gotten expensive lately! and will unfortunately continue to rise I bet.
My brother's birthday is coming up. He's turning 24. If you have any ideas of what to get him let me know because I am at a loss!
Not that I'm complaining. Okay, I am a little bit.
Dumb work, home, and boys. Stop stealing my friends.
My Friday night almost met the same fate. But it was saved by Kylee and Janie!
I really need to remember to carry a camera around with me more. Or at least take phone pictures. Something!
camping last summer
Sometimes in college you forget you can have sleepovers....but last night we remembered that little fun fact! So I grab my blankets, Augustus the pillow pet, and Richard the duck and carry them across the street and through a parking lot and a half. The night consists of:
Nearly walking into the wrong apartment {Kylee told me the wrong neighbors' apartment. oops!}
Kylee telling/trying to teach Janie and I how to catch boys
Semi-awkward questions
Lots of laughter
Pizza eating, soda drinking, muddy buddy scarfing
Breaking Dawn part 1
Drifting off to sleep on the plaid couch that reminds me of this one
old plaid couch...and oscar :)
I love these girls a lot - they really are tons of fun and I know I can be 100% myself around them. I can talk to them about so much and I feel like they understand my mind a lot better than most people. As long as everything works out they should be my roommates for next year. We just need to have a chat with a gal named Mallory...and possibly bribe her :)
Oh! And I had other things that made my Friday!
I was doing homework and was in a rather grumpy mood. I clicked on a link...which I guess didn't exist or something because it redirected me to this:
I laughed for quite a while. I wonder how many people actually e-mail him.
And then Shayna checked the mail and I had a letter! There's this funny German guy who posts videos on YouTube and he said if you e-mailed him your address he would send you stickers. Well I did it...but totally forgot about it. So it was a nice little surprise when I had an envelope with my name on it.
I got 4 stickers and a postcard :) Check him out here. {some of my favorites here, here, here, and here} Why yes, he is an interesting fellow...but he entertains me :)
Janie at Falling up the Stairs tagged me in her eleven things post. Just so you know she is probably one of the funniest girls you will ever meet, has a great sense of style, and is just plain GORGEOUS! Like seriously.
1. Post these rules.
2. Post a photo of yourself and 11 random things.
3. Answer the questions set for you in the original post.
4. Create 11 new questions and tag people to answer them.
5. Go to their blog/twitter and tell them you've tagged them.
1. Pulling faces makes me look less scary when I don't do my hair and makeup, right?
2. I hiccup randomly. And I do it a lot. {one time I counted 57 in a day} My sister is nice - "I'm going to punch you in the throat!" But really she wouldn't...I think.
3. I have been punched in the face.
4. Growing up I was the pickiest eater. Now I eat real food.
5. Easter has the best candy, hands down. {Hersheys and Cadbury eggs!}
6. I say I'm not crafty. Then I realize I am...a little bit. But really, I just like easy Pinterest projects.
7. I hate that I can watch a movie ten times and can't quote any of it, but someone can watch it once and have the whole thing down.
8. I have done and continue to plan on doing nothing all day. Actually, does finishing an English essay count? If so, then I've accomplished at least one thing. {seriously. today so far = shower, paper, computer, and figure out work stuff.} But being sick justifies my lack of accomplishments, right?
9. This is the start of year number six at my job.
10. I like to speed. I have yet to be pulled over. {knock on wood}
11. I've listened to this song ten thousand times in the past week. Okay not really, but over 50. Thanks Pandora for introducing me to the most beautifully sad song of my life.
And now for Janie Jane's questions:
1. If you could win a shopping spree to one store, which store would it be and why?
Is picking a really expensive store and selling all of it online against the rules? Actually I think Target is pretty great...but maybe not shopping spree worthy. How about we imagine I have a house to fill with Pottery Barn. I think that would work.
2. What is your favorite memory?
At this point in time it's probably my high school choir trip. It was super fun, I was super happy, and life was lookin' up.
3. Edward or Jacob?
Haha really Jane? If I remember right, I liked Edward in the books better. I've only seen the first movie...so I can't really judge those. They both suck though, don't they?
4. What is your dream job?
Honestly I'd be content working part-time somewhere and filling the rest of my time being a mom.
5. Who was your Jr. High crush?
First junior high crush? Austin.
6. What is your least favorite chore and why?
Cleaning the bathtub! It's just so awful.
7. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life which would it be?
Chicken. Mmm.
8. What is your favorite smell?
Coconut. And pleasant smelling men.
9. If you were invisible for a day, what would you do?
I would probably terrorize all my friends who believe in ghosts :)
10. You are on the red carpet, who would you pick for your date?
Hmm. I would say Ryan Gosling. But James Marsden is a babe too. I think I would prefer him.
11. Why do you blog?
My freshman year of my roommates started at blog. I decided to start my own as did Janie. It makes for an easy way to remember life. I blog mainly for me...but enjoy sharing it with others too :)
Here are questions if you'd like to play along. I know many people have already done it. Or you can feel free to pick one or more and answer in the comments.
1. If you could pick an animal to turn someone you don't like into, what would it be and why?
2. What song(s) do you listen to on repeat?
3. Is pulling faces or smiling for pictures better?
4. Would you leave your house without officially getting ready for the day?
5. Beverage of choice?
6. Do you like socks? Why or why not?
7. Would you want to know when the big events are going to happen in your life?
8. Favorite TV show growing up?
9. Favorite book or series growing up?
10. Who would you pick to be your fake boyfriend (real or fictional)?
11. What restaurant do you wish would put you on the list of people who receive free food?
