Wednesday, March 28, 2012


Sometimes the brain is a funny thing.  It's interesting to realize what it allows itself to think.  Especially when you know what it's thinking or trying to tell you isn't the truth.

Somehow I always try to convince myself that I'm to blame when bad things happen.  But the thing is, I know I'm really not the cause and really I had no control over it.  Yet for some reason my brain tries to tell me: "if you would have done *this* better" or "you could have been a better example" or "because you said/did *this* it led them to do *this*".  Or any other variation.

It's awful.

Last night I decided I just needed to get out of my house and take a drive.  Except gas is super expensive so I decided to find a place to park.  
I went and parked on the hill next to the Logan Temple
And while there, I just let myself sob.  And swear.  They weren't innocent little hells and damns either.  Honestly, such words have no business even coming out of my mouth, especially parked where I was.  Sometimes life just fails at being awesome.  But what gave me the most comfort was remembering what was said in sacrament meeting on Sunday.  It was the only meeting I went to because face it...every once in a while I just can't handle three hour church.  It was fast and testimony meeting and many people bore their testimony about the atonement and the Savior.  It was comforting to know that Christ knows how I felt and that I wasn't completely alone.

This morning I had a lovely chat with Kylee.  She's pretty dang great.  I probably say that a lot about her...but it's true.  She forces me to talk and spill whatever I'm thinking, even when I don't want to share, and overall, it's beneficial in the long run.  Somehow I always manage to let my guard down when I'm around her and just cry and talk.  I always feel so stupid...but somehow around her it's okay.  I guess even around a bunch of strangers in the Hub too.  They probably wonder why the crazy girl in the booth is shedding tears haha.  Oh well.  It makes life somewhat better.

Life has just been a crazy whirlwind lately.  I'm not really sure what to think of it at the moment.  It's hard when you just stop caring and don't know what to do anymore.  But somehow you just get through it.

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