gone

Life has been a bit crazy lately...I really need to be better about writing stories before I begin forgetting the details haha...anyway...we'll time travel back to last week for a minute.

On my laptop I have a folder of all my pictures prior to this computer.  Last week I opened it to look for pictures for a project and instead of being greeted by a plethora of pictures I am greeted by this message:

Now don't get me wrong.  I was sad that these pictures were gone.  Family vacations, nieces growing up, choir trip, graduation, etc.  My family computer I had them all stored on crashed a few months earlier and stuff was only partially recovered...so I was pretty sure everything was gone.  I ended up being okay with it all.  I figured I had a decent amount of pictures on Facebook, many pictures were dorky self-portraits of a funny looking girl, and everyone in the pictures was still in existence so I knew I would be able to get more even though they wouldn't be snapshots capturing the old memories.

Thursday I am looking on Pinterest and show my roommates this picture:

Source: dwellstudio.com via Kelly on Pinterest

The owl bedding is adorable...but what I was really focused on was the cute dachshund pillow on the bed.

You see....from about age 4 to age 18 my family had the cutest little wiener dog.  See?

Yeah.  Adorable, I know.  He wasn't very good at listening though.  I remember telling him explicitly before my choir trip he wasn't allowed to die while I was gone.  Yeah.  He failed at listening.  The night I got home and found out I bawled pretty much all night.  He was the friend who was always there no matter what was going on in life.

Anyway, back to the owl bedding.  I started googling dachshund things.  I'm sitting in our cute little grandpa recliner with my cute little green laptop resting in my cute little lap.  And suddenly, something in my brain clicks.  I scream NO!!! and have curious glances directed my way from inquisitive roommates.  I race to open the folder..and sure enough, my worst fear is confirmed.  The folder still looks like this:

EMPTY.  GONE.

I start laughing.  I start crying.  I am just a mess.  Those are the two dominant ways of dealing with my emotions and both decide to manifest themselves at the exact same moment.

"Kelly, are you okay?"

"I...I don't think so."  I sit, staring at my computer in disbelief, tears welling up in my eyes.

I sat for at least ten minutes staring at the screen.  Then, I notice button in the top right corner.  It says something about arranging the pictures by different things.  I click it and change the settings...and miraculously all the pictures fill the screen.  I was beyond excited.  I felt beyond stupid.  I knew how ridiculous I looked and sounded.  He was just a dog.  But really, he wasn't.  He was much, much more.

cold fall days / bliss

Today is one of those cold fall days that takes me back to my childhood.

Coming home from school today I wanted nothing more than to go home,

Turn the heat up high, grab my favorite blanket, put on some comfy pjs, 

And lay down in the living room right over the heat vent 

Using the blanket to create a warm little cocoon.

The best was when Oscar would climb in too.

He was my favorite.  Today I kind of miss him.

Sometimes he would get too hot and leave.

Sometimes I would too.  But I learned how to fight that.

You learn to wear socks to cover up your feet {I hate socks...this was the exception}

And make sure your pjs came all the way down to save your legs from extreme heat.

It's amazing what a thin piece of fabric can do.

Those were the days when you'd watch TV super close.  Or take a nap.

Those days were bliss.

It's days like today that I want to go back in time.

To be at home with my lovely little heat vent

Instead of ~40 degree Logan with snow on the mountains

And promise of a cold winter.

I knew what I was signing up for coming to school here.

I've experienced it.  And I love it.

However much I'd like to go back in time I know I can't.

It's not physically possible.

Even if I drove home now it still wouldn't be quite the same.

The blanket is beginning to look worn with age.

Time has gotten the best of Oscar.

The siblings aren't there.  And the parents aren't half the time either.

You never seem to realize it in the moment

How truly wonderful the simple things in life are.

Heat vent blanket bliss.

Family all being together.

Bliss.

Lately I've been super happy.

I finally got a calling.  It's not anything big, but it shows that I'm needed.

I've made a few new friends.  I think they're pretty great.  And they make me smile.

And I have super roommates.  Sometimes we're loud.  Sometimes we're crazy.

We like to poke fun at one another.  And have really long talks.  And watch movies.

And be best friends.  And watch out for one another.

And my bff Angie was able to visit Logan last weekend.

And I was able to watch all of General Conference for like the first time in years.

And things are falling together quite perfectly.

Bliss.

decisions

Each day...each moment...everyone has the choice of how they let things affect them.  These things may be the actions of others, your own thoughts, etc.

I could be sad today because it's been one year since Oscar died.  I was away on my high school choir trip and didn't find out until I came home.  I'm glad my parents were smart enough to threaten my siblings not to say anything because it really would have wrecked my vacation.

I could be irritated with everyone who keeps staring at me when I'm in public.  Some have even pointed.  Yes, I'm aware I have a black eye.  How could I not be?  I felt it.  I wish I could share the story right here, right now, but I'm not sure if I can haha.  But it's a good one.  And maybe, once everything is all wrapped up, I'll share.  Or you can ask me if you're impatient :)

Or I could be happy.  I made a fun craft with Eryka yesterday.  We did these monograms.  We bought a letter from Michaels and painted and mod podged them.  I'm really quite pleased with mine...and plan on making a few more.

And be happy that I have awesome friends who like to keep me entertained.  There's Angie who lets me whine and complain to her about all of what's going on.  Plus she bought me a dinosaur.  And takes me to movies for free.  And then there are Kylee, Janie, and Sarah.  We like to dork around.  And play games {I learned last night that I am pretty awesome at Family Feud but suck at Sequence} and play the wii.  And watch movies.

I like to focus on the happy aspects.  Oscar was old and it was his time to go.  And maybe it was better that I was gone when it actually happened.  And I should be happy that my black eye is starting to fade...{kind of}.  And be happy about a few other things related to the story.  And be happy about finding something crafty I like.  And is easy.  And happy I have awesome friends.  Oh and parents.  They're pretty awesome and do lots of things for me.  And are supportive and caring and all those things parents are supposed to be.  Oh.  And I should be happy that I got my giveaway stuff I won from Cody at  yeah, that's macho and tough today.  Yay! :)

Day 3: A Picture of You and Your Best Friends

Well...I can't choose just one. So you get multiple pictures. Best friends. They're people who love you unconditionally. You screw up. You can say mean things. Yet they're always there for you. You may hit rough patches every once in a while, but you always seem to work things out.

Oscar - yes. I know. He's dead. BUT, he was one of the best friends anyone could ever have. He was always, ALWAYS there when you needed him. He was content with the simplicity of his life. You knew he always loved you. When you were sad, he would be there. Sometimes he would get annoying...having to pee 50 times a day, barking incessantly for food, and having horrible breath. But all the good outweighed the bad...and probably outweighed him...my chubby little friend :)

Sierra - is a great friend and has been ever since I was little. When we were little we always played at her house because she had the best toys (the benefits of being an only child!). But, if that's all our friendship was based on, it wouldn't have lasted throughout the years. She is sincere. She always has the best of intentions. She is so much fun to be around. She is easy to talk to. She has incredible fashion sense. She is sweet and caring and funny. I miss seeing her all the time since we now go to different schools.

Angie - is the greatest. She is probably the most accepting person I know. No matter who you are or what your background is, she is willing to give you a chance. She is a bundle of fun. I love that when we hang out we can do exciting things and have a great time or can do absolutely nothing and still feel the same way. She is pretty much my therapist. I can tell her pretty much anything. She lets me vent to her and tell her all my stupid stories and frustrations. She offers great insights, but still allows me to think on my own and make my own decisions. Angie is pretty much the most awesome person I know.

Kevin - What an amazing person. Kevin is so much fun. We always see the clock at 12:34. We've only been friends for just a little over a year, yet we've helped each other through a lot. We still plan to have Chia Pets with our faces on them someday. We also hope to achieve the status of Pokemaster. Kevin is the king of sucking up to people. He is friends with everyone he meets. I can tell him pretty much anything. I love the conversations we're able to have. I admire him for all he has been through and is going through. Kevin is the greatest.

It's crazy how much you can love people. I love each of them so much and would do just about anything for any of them. I have had periods of time without each of them in my life. I think those times have made me realize just how important they are to me. Whether just a few days or many months that I was separated from them, life felt incomplete. Something was missing. Life was awkward and hard and since I'm a cryer, you can bet I cried and cried...or maybe sobbed is a better word. No matter where life takes us, these 4 have had a major impact on my life and will be remembered forever.